just something

[WiloeLeigh]

i'm writing this without thinking, really. i'm writing this without anything more than i desire to write something. but my head hurts too much to think and its hot and my shirt is clinging to my back in a damp, uncomfortable way. i have to be up at 5.30 tomorrow morning and i don't know how i'm going to make it. i slept almost 12 hours straight last nite. i'm worn down, exhausted, in constant motion for more than a week. i'm killing myself and i'm not even trying. this isn't living. this is slowly dying. moment by moment, i'm one step closer to the day i die. my temples are throbbing, pain radiates to the places behind my eyes. staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day isn't helping. hell, this probably isn't helping right now. but i haven't written anything in over a week, and writing is like blood flowing through my veins, and i needed to spill a little before i exploded. it wouldn't be pretty, let me tell you, and i'm sure as hell not gonna be able to clean up the mess, are you? i do have a story sitting in my files, a great story. its my best yet. and i'm so damn proud of it. like a child that i want to show off to everyone. but, see, its about someone. and this someone wouldn't like that i wrote a story about them. about something that happened that involves them. i write what i know, and what i know is my life, and so family, friends, they all get put into my stories. i don't think they like it too much, though. but this story is amazing. and i want to post it here. i want to share it. i want a lot of things. to have this headache go away. to win the lottery. to have the one person i love love me back. to move in with my ex-gf and live happily ever after with her. but not like as a couple. she's the one person i think i could ever truly live with and be totally happy with, as a friend, as a kindred spirit, as a whatever the hell you want to call it. we're bound together for this lifetime, and i'll be damned if we aren't connected at the soul. but i don't need to love her like that to live with her. so where was i? right, my story. i just wish i could put it out there instead of hiding it. i hate hiding things, they just begin to gnaw away at you, and mock you, and make yer life horrible, and they don't ever go away. they just get worse, so much worse, and then you have a nervous breakdown and people wonder why, "she seemed like such a happy, normal child." it sounds like drums in my head, a regular marching band, or maybe its the beating of my heart. how the hell am i going to get through this weekend? i should just stay in bed and refuse to move. that should work. don't see anyone. don't except any phone calls. just sleep. maybe eat. or not. eating's not high on my list of priorities right now. so it all hurts. and i don't know when things starting to go wrong, when exactly i got to the edge, but i'm here now, and i either jump off or find a way to step back. i think i could spend another night here, maybe another weekend, but not forever. "come monday, it'll be alright. come monday, i'll be holding you tight. i spent four lonely days in the brown LA haze and i just want you back by my side." sleep. need sleep. need pain medication. and then more sleep. i wrote something.

am i done here?

[La Luna Unita]

Tyle and I were hanging around the back boards, and we both really liked this one, Wiloe. Speaking personally, I've slept six hours in the last 48+, so I felt like there was a little to relate to.

'scuse me, Tyle just lost her bracelet behind the stove.

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SexSleepEatDrinkDream

[neomel]

we're all losing it. all of the lonely, special, creative people. help us.

the mel

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But I like the incovenience
But I don't want comfort
I want God
I want poetry
I want real danger
I want freedom
I want goodness
I want sin
I'm claiming the right to be unhappy

Aldous Huuxley